Bullying far beyond the schoolyard
By Linda McCarthy, Internet Security Family Advocate and Btweens.com Expert
Unfortunately, every day there seems to be another story about kids who are driven to depression and desperation because of cyberbullying. Tyler Clementi, age 18, Phoebe Prince, age 15, Justin Aaberg, age 15, Megan Meier, age 13 – each of them committed suicide as a response to cyberbullying. As parents we must help our children learn to protect themselves and to cope with cruelty.
Cyberbullies are not schoolyard bullies
Schoolyard bullying is something that most parents can wrap their heads around. It’s an experience that most of us have shared and we understand, at least in general terms, how it feels from our kids’ perspective. Too often, cyberbullying is discussed as the new form of schoolyard bullying. That’s unfortunate and misleading. Cyberbullying can be much worse. It’s important to educate your tweens before they become teenagers.
First, the term cyberbullying covers a wide range of harassing behaviors. Cyberbullying often includes posting hateful messages on social networking sites that reach hundreds of local kids. But cyberbullying isn’t limited to computers. It can also include sending harassing text messages and inappropriate photos via cell phone, cell phone cameras, and webcams. Sometimes, bullies upload hate messages from cell phones to social networking sites, expanding their audience and furthering the damage. Some bullies have used online polling sites to create contests for the fattest or ugliest person in their school. Other bullies create hate pages on social networking sites with “hate” polls to solicit ugly comments and attacks.
Today’s kids live virtual lives that extend and enrich their “real lives.” They race from afterschool activities to check Facebook or Myspace, all the while texting each other all the minutiae of their lives. Today’s kids rarely keep diaries because they don’t need to. They spend easily 3 or 4 hours a day documenting their existence in micro-reports of 140 characters or less using more electronic devices than their parents owned throughout their 30s. Kids targeted by cyberbullies are usually victimized in multiple media. They’re left feeling continuously under siege by the devices they rely on to connect to their peers.
These multiple venues of attack make it nearly impossible for victims to find safe ground. When most parents were kids, they could at least (in desperation) cut school to get away from the bullies. Today, kids have no safe place to hide.
Can this really happen to MY tween?
Yes it can. I saw anger, sadness, and depression after one of the boys in my house threw his cell phone against the wall. It was the first time I ever witnessed first hand a kid being cyberbullied by text messing — in my own house.
The technology we put into our kids’ hands requires education. Kids do stupid things because they don’t think of the consequences. The National Crime Prevention Council says that 43% of teens have been victims of cyberbullying. That’s almost half. Even more are aware of cyberbully attacks against friends or schoolmates.
If your tween is online in any form (and who isn’t?), she has already been exposed to cyberbullies even if she wasn’t in their cross-hairs.
How can I protect my kids? Here is our Top Ten List
- Educate your tweens about the risks and ask them to report bullying even if it’s not them being bullied. A lot of kids are afraid to tell their parents and even talk to their friends when they are under attack. Make sure you discuss this often enough, and clearly enough, that your kid isn’t afraid.
- Look for signs of something going wrong. Is your child on the cell phone all the time. Always on the computer?
- Remember that you’re the adult. It is perfectly OK for you to check text messages on any phone line you pay for. It’s also OK to install monitoring software if you feel you need to.
- Set limits and rules. Fully 9 of 10 parents arm their kids with cell phones without setting restrictions or adding security protection. Is that wise? When you provide a data-enabled cell phone, you’re handing your child 24/7 access to the internet, conversations, and text messaging. Imagine the kind of damage that access might have if your child is a victim of cyberbullying.
- Understand the laws in your state. Some states are revising anti-bullying laws to make prevention classes mandatory and to ensure that bullies can be properly punished.
- Get involved with your community. If you have time to get involved, help your local schools create programs that teach kids to how to prevent and report cyberbullying. All schools need to have these kinds of programs in place.
- Know where the best resources are: wiredsafety.org, stopcyberbullying.org, cyberbullying.org, and ownyourspace.net.
- Block threatening behavior if you need to. Most services have a block feature so that you can block threatening behavior.
- Keep the evidence. Threatening emails, text messages, and bullying pages on social networking sites should be saved as evidence if the authorities are called in.
- Download the free book OwnYourSpace a security book for tweens and share it with other parents and teachers. Learn about the safety, security, and privacy issues facing your family.
What if my kid is the bully?
First, don’t jump to conclusions. As in “real life,” good kids who witness cyberbullies tend to stay quiet for fear of becoming targets themselves. And sometimes, they join in the attacks for the same reason.
Most cyberbullies are themselves the victim of cyberbullying. Others are quiet kids who feel coerced to forward on bullying messages. Again, understanding the laws of your state would be helpful.
Make sure your child understands them as well. Cyberbullying can result in a criminal record. If sexting messages are involved, those “good kids” who just forward messages to stay part of the in-crowd could end up as registered sex offenders for life. Such severe penalties should make “popular” crowds much less attractive to your child.
Above all, both you and your child need to understand the issues by learning about them and discussing them together. One good place to start is by downloading the free book Own Your Space (http://www.ownyourspace.net/). An entire chapter is devoted to cyberbullying and provides both descriptions and real case stories. Download your copy today and begin a discussion that can help put an end to cyberbullying and maybe even save a life.
About the Author
Linda McCarthy is an accomplished author and computer security expert with 20+ years experience in security auditing, consulting, and training. The former Senior Director of Internet Safety at Symantec, McCarthy’s corporate experience has included positions as VP of Professional Services at Recourse Technologies, and Manager of Security Research and Development at Sun Microsystems. She also founded the front-line security firm, Network Defense. McCarthy received the prestigious Women of Influence award for computer security from CSO Magazine and Alta Associates, an award honoring outstanding achievement in security, privacy and risk management. She has also written extensively on security topics. McCarthy’s published works include IT Security: Risking the Corporation and Intranet Security: Stories from the Trenches.
Seeing the shift in attacks moving from corporate networks to home networks around 2004, McCarthy developed an internet education outreach program for teens at Symantec, working under the Office of the CTO. In 2006, she then published Own Your Space: Keep Yourself and Your Stuff Safe Online, a book specifically written for teens and their families.
Realizing that every family needs access to computer security training, McCarthy published the expanded and fully updated 2010 edition of Own Your Space under Creative Commons Licensing. With the help of corporate sponsors, Own Your Space is now available worldwide for free download from various corporate, non-profit, and social networking sites, including Facebook, MySpace and Microsoft.
While continuing to update and expand the Own Your Space project, McCarthy appears frequently as a guest blogger on various sites and continues to work with companies around the globe to help educate families about security.
